


Da Capo Aside: Change My World

by mistysinkat



Series: Da Capo: The Full Score [3]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Death, F/M, M/M, cullrian - Freeform, widower cullen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-01-09
Packaged: 2018-05-12 17:33:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5674594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mistysinkat/pseuds/mistysinkat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cullen has discovered that he's in love with Dorian, but there's someone he has to make things right with before he can move forward. </p><p>----</p><p>Note: This is an aside in the world of Da Capo. It takes place at the end of the Inopportune Time arc. This conversation is mentioned there, but we thought it should get a little more prominence than we could give it in the main timeline.</p><p>This is the chapter this comes up in: http://archiveofourown.org/works/5168177/chapters/12936754</p>
            </blockquote>





	Da Capo Aside: Change My World

As soon as the door closed behind Dorian, Cullen showered and got ready for his day. He had much to do and not many hours in which to do it. A list of to dos formed in his head as he shouldered his guitar case and locked the door behind him to make his way down to catch a cab.

The first item on his list was… heavy, and his heart pounded as the car took him closer and closer to _her_. The cab stopped only once, at a florist’s, so he could buy a bouquet of her favorite flowers - calla lillies. She appreciated their simple grace and clean, elegant lines. In fact, all her tastes had run that way. Well, in all but her choice of husband, it seemed.

When the cab stopped again, Cullen paid the driver and stood a while, just breathing, as the car pulled away. A few moments of uncertainty passed. Should he really be here after so long? Would she even recognize him? Golden curls trapped in a low ponytail bounced, reflecting the midday sun as he shook his head to refocus. He inhaled and exhaled deeply one last time before taking the first step onto the little path that wound its way through the lines of stones that served as grim reminders of the frailty of life.

A wistful smile tugged the corners of Cullen’s mouth upward, even as the nerves and guilt and sadness rose in his throat, choking and thick. The last time he walked this path was at the head of a processional. The last time he spoke to her was when they laid her body in the ground. Back then, he was wracked with guilt and grief, slipping away already, and his words to her felt hollow and all wrong. Not enough. Never enough. “I love you,” he’d said as they lowered her casket down and he fell to his knees, “Always. Always.” He’d lost himself, repeating those words through the endless rain of tears as he rocked slowly on his knees. He didn’t know how long he stayed that way, time had lost meaning, but it was dark before Mia and Bran had pulled him to his feet and led him away.

In all the time after, he’d never once come back here. Not when he was struggling to reconcile who he had been with what he was becoming, not when he finally gave up and gave in to the numbness afforded by the chemicals that had controlled him, not even when he started to emerge out of the pit he’d dug for himself. The shame that she should see him as he was had been too great.

Even now, he knew that he was still just a shadow of the man she had loved. But still, he could feel a new strength in him, however small. The thing that gave him that glimmer of strength was the same thing that drove him to try, the same thing that drove him here to Ella’s grave.

Dorian.

After so many years, Cullen had much to say to Ella. There were so many things to apologize for - so many things to make her understand. His steps grew heavier as he approached. Had he actually been happy when he’d made the decision to come here? It seemed nearly impossible now as his heart pounded in his ears and his throat thickened. Her last words to him rang out in his head. _You’ll be ok. I love you._ And he’d thought he was on his way to ok, but now… now he just shouldered the weight of years lost and time wasted. The burden grew with each plodding footstep that led him to her.

And then he was there, standing at the foot of her final resting place. Her bones were beneath him, but her presence was all around. He _missed_ her; the strength of that feeling was breathtaking and he let out a hitched gasp. A few steps carried him to her stone and he knelt before it, laying his flowers on the pedestal. Someone had been by recently to leave flowers of their own and trim the grass. He didn't know who, but he knew _it should have been him._ It should have been him to tend to her grave. Void take him, it should have been him _in_ that grave. Not her. It was his mistake that ended her life. And then what had he done with the time he had? He'd thrown it away because he was weak and full of fear. He'd tried to fill that hole she left with drugs and numbness and _forgetting._

But he never forgot, so that hole had only grown, gnawing at him and forcing him deeper into darkness. If she'd been in his place, she wouldn't have squandered over half a decade with so much meaningless _nothing_.

A choked sob escaped his lips as he pressed his forehead against the cool stone, fingers tracing the letters etched there:

 

**Myrcella Travelyan Rutherford**

7/10/1980 - 4/5/2008

_And in the end, the love you take_

_Is equal to the love you make_

 

That epitaph… he'd picked it from a song by her favorite band, but there hadn't really been a choice, had there? It was a lyric that had meant so much to her that she'd commissioned an artist to illuminate it. It hung by their door as a daily reminder to always try - to be better, to love more, and laugh often. He didn't know what happened to that piece. It, like so many other _important_ things, was lost.

But he was here to start finding those things, to move on - not continue to wallow and let that hole grow.

Cullen sat back, crossing his legs and opening his guitar case. The guitar itself, it had been a present from her, given to him when he got his teaching job. He'd spent months pining for it, but it had been outside of their price range. Still, she somehow found a way, and wasn't she just so _happy_ when he played it for her for the first time? Maybe that's why, even at his lowest, he couldn't bear to part with it. Everything else, even his wedding ring, got pawned off for easy money, but never this.

He hadn't told Dorian, but that… _that_ was why that kid ended up with a broken nose. The guitar he now held in his hands, softly strumming and tuning as he thought, was all he had of her. 

For all the things he had to say to her, no words came to mind. He didn't know how to start, so he just played. It wasn’t the song written in stone before him, but it still carried significance. It had been her go-to when the stress was too high, when she was frozen with worry over the minutiae of life, when she'd lost sight of the bigger tapestry of life. If anyone needed that now, it was Cullen. So, he sang it for her and he sang it for _himself_ , through the hot tears that were now falling freely down his face.

 

 _Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup_  
_They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe_  
_Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind_  
_Possessing and caressing me_  
_Jai Guru Deva Om_  
  
_Nothing's gonna change my world_  


He tripped over that lyric, voice breaking and breathless. They'd really thought that, hadn't they? How _arrogant_ it seemed now. They were so sure of who they were and how the future would unfold for them, naive and confident at the same time, never once thinking that the work of a moment’s carelessness could destroy everything. His world _had_ changed… irrevocably... to the tune of crunching metal and whispered last words.

A deep breath, and he continued.

  
_Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes_  
_That call me on and on across the universe_  
_Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box_  
_They tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe_  
_Jai Guru Deva Om_  
  
_Nothing's gonna change my world_  
  
_Sounds of laughter shades of earth are ringing_  
_Through my open views inciting and inviting me_  
_Limitless undying love which shines around me_  
_Like a million suns, it calls me on and on across the universe_  
_Jai Guru Deva Om_  


Something about that, the idea that her love, her kindness, her humor, her _essence_ … everything that made her who she was… was now free to drift and expand out into the universe was warming. He felt the smallest bit of comfort, a fragile smile forming on his scarred lips despite the tears, as he finished the song.

__  
Nothing's gonna change my world  
_Nothing's gonna change my world_  
_Nothing's gonna change my world_  
_Nothing's gonna change my world_  
_Jai Guru Deva Om_

When the last note died, he laid his guitar gently back in its case and leaned forward, resting his chin on his hands.

“Hey, Elliebelle,” he began in a small voice. His mouth was smiling, but his eyes were sad, wincing at his pet name for her. Still, he carried on. “It's been a while.”

It was strange, speaking to this slab of granite as if it was her, so he closed his eyes and just pictured her face and felt her presence around him. “No, it’s been too long. Far too long. You… you deserve better than this… than me. I’m so sorry.” He felt that panic creeping in, like everything he was was just _wrong_ , like he shouldn’t be there - and why did he think he had the _right_? Because he had a new job? Big deal - how long could he hold it? Because he’d stayed clean a little longer than the other times? That was a joke - the little packet tucked away under the bathroom sink right now proved that. Because he had a _boyfriend_?

_Dorian._

That centered him finally, and stopped his thoughts from spiralling out of control. Even thoughts of the man warmed him, helped him _maintain_ , to find his purpose again. He was there to tell her about Dorian. He could do that much.

“I've got a lot of catching up to do, but Ellie, I'm sorry I failed you. I wasn't ok, like you wanted, for a long, long time. I was far from it,” He reached a shaky hand out to brush his fingers over her name, “Oh, Ellie, I was so lost without you.” His shoulders shook with sobs, and he waited to let the wave pass. No sense in fighting it, not here. Not in front of her.

“But I think,” he continued once he regained control, “I think I'm finding myself again. Who I was. It's new and so damn fragile, but I'm feeling more and more like maybe I can be the man you knew again. Someone you can be proud of.”

And why was that? Well, it was obvious.

“I've… I've met someone, Ellie. Someone who hasn't left, even though he knows how far I've fallen. Someone who's trusted me… _me_ with his troubles, too.”

He rubbed at his red eyes with rough palms and ran a hand over his hair as he straightened. He needed to do this properly.

“His name is Dorian, and he's… he's changed my world… he is my world, just like you,” he paused, trying to find the words to describe Dorian and the way he made Cullen feel.

“He has kind eyes and a soft smile when he doesn’t think anyone can see, but I see it when he looks at me. He fiddles with his mustache when he’s nervous or worried. He mumbles in his sleep,” Cullen chuckled weakly, “His collection of… beauty... products puts yours to shame. He’s sharp as a tack with a razor wit, but he's not meanspirited.”

He chewed his lip for a moment. Not enough. None of those words were nearly enough to explain.

“... and he feels like _home_ and he _knows_ , Ella, he just knows what I need to be better. We've had rough spots, but when I'm with him, when it's quiet and just us and he… he kisses me or holds me or just looks at me with those beautiful eyes… I'm _whole._ ”

Again, he waited in silence as that emotion rolled through him. Whole. He didn't even know he felt that way until he said it. Now that it was out there, it felt like gospel.

“He’s a good man, for all his grumblings otherwise. He accepted me… without condition, even when I was broken and desperate and running out of hope… even though he has his own problems to wade through. He’s given me so much and let me in, and I… I…”

_Do it, Cullen. Tell her._

“I love him. Maker help me, I love him.”

It was the first time he'd said it out loud. The words rolled from his tongue and felt right, so he let them float out there into the clear blue sky, out across the universe, as it was.

“I haven't even told him that... I wanted to tell you first. You have to know…” he faltered for another moment, trying to find a way to tell her what it was like, “I need you to understand that it doesn't… my love for him doesn't replace my love for you. Nothing, _nothing_ ever will. You live in my heart forever,” he hesitated. How did he describe something like this? Was there a way? There had to be; he had to find it. “But it's like… it’s like my heart has gotten… bigger? He's hollowed out a place next to yours and filled it. It's just as… real, just as strong, but different. I thank the Maker every day that a dumb coincidence brought him into my life, that I've somehow found _this_ again,” he explained as he covered his heart with one pale hand.

He stopped there for a while, hoping she understood. She did, he knew she did. Of all the people who had walked this earth, she'd known his heart the best… and now Dorian was learning it, too. If Cullen ever had to explain this to him one day, he hoped that his beautiful, grey-eyed love would understand, too.

“I don't know when… or _how_ … I'll tell him all this. For now, it's enough that you know. I love you, Ella, I always will. And now I love him, too. I just… I just wanted you to know.”

Cullen sat in silence for a long while after that, just letting the sun warm his skin and the love he felt for these two wholly remarkable people warm his heart. The tears had stopped and his heart felt lighter. There was more he could tell her, of course - and he would - but for now, he felt calm, comfortable in his own skin. Serene. It was a strange feeling, but not at all unwelcome.

After a while, he snapped his guitar case shut. Then, he kissed the first two fingers on his left hand and pressed them to her stone.

“Bye, Ellie. I'll be back,” he promised as he stood. He turned and walked back the way he came. He had that evening’s dinner to shop for and prepare… and Dorian to look forward to, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> And there you have it. He hasn't forgotten her... he never will, but he's got just as much love in his heart for Dorian. She'd be happy for him. <3
> 
> Referenced songs:
> 
> Across the Universe, The Beatles: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjyQqK5Oge0  
> In the End, The Beatles: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVYjQScC1DY
> 
> YouTube doesn't have a ton of good recordings of The Beatles (tons of covers though), but SPOTIFY HAS ALL OF THEM! Also, I love The Beatles.


End file.
